“I just don’t care anymore” were his words describing the months of rejection by the penal board refusing his request for work release. The young inmate had reached his breaking point and has become bitter and angry about his prison experience. He had hoped to enroll in any kind of work release program and return home. Despite his numerous appeals and support from his prison committee, both the prison superintendent and Albany have rejected his attempts for a work release program.He admitted that he has been hiding his feelings from his parents and friends. No one can say that they understand how he feels at this moment. You are naïve and fooling only yourself. The daily boredom and routine have driven him to withdraw and build up a wall. It is how he survives each day. He has nothing in common with the outside world. His former business, his love for his dog, and hopes for the future are gone. He is no longer interested in the activities of the outside world. He cannot be bothered with the details of other people’s lives. He admits that he has no connection with the outside world and he just doesn’t care about the mundane things that bother the rest of us.
He has chosen not to associate with the other inmates since all they talk about are their crimes and appeals or the food to pass the time. He no longer has any motivation to exercise or read. They were once the daily the activities that gave him energy to face each day. Some would say that he is clinically depressed. He would tell you that this withdrawal is the only way for him to remain stable and not go insane.
Listening to the emptiness of this soul and finding a way into his broken heart made my stomach churn with pain. So I just listened and prayed to the Spirit to help me get a glimpsed of his pain and sadness. The light of truth came when I took off my pastoral and clinical mask, and simply walked with him in silence to feel his sadness. He needed someone to give him permission to be sad.
Walking with this inmate through his tears of sadness, his darkness was a moment for healing. He understands that his parents have filed a formal appeal and are hopeful of their son’s release. Despite this appeal, he cannot allow the luxury of any hope in his heart. It is too painful to even think about another disappointment. Therefore, the only way for him to survive is to go “into the desert” and wait for God’s mercy and justice.
This need for patience is breaking this young man’s spirit. So in that moment of silence. I told him that I love him. No one can steal his unique gifts of compassion, creativity and love for his favorite dog. We must do the praying and worrying and appealing for him. He needs to do what he thinks is best to keep himself sane even it means to withdraw from this world so that he no longer feels the pain of rejection. It is his agony in the garden.
Lord, send your angels to protect all our inmates who have lost hope in a the world that no longer has any meaning for them. Let your angels comfort the souls who feel abandoned and rejected by a system focused on punishishment rather than rehabilitation. Give strength and courage to my young friend, his wonderful parents, his many friends, and this humble chaplain who simply do not get it nor understand the sadness of prison life. Our young inmate is absolutely right. None of us can really undertstand his pain or sadness. How dare we say we understated! We can only walk by his side, never in his shoes.
God prays for us as we reflect: “My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.” (Psalm 25: 15).
Lord, I pray for all my Sonshine Friends who are incarcerated and their family members who visit them in our correctional facilities. Shelia met me with a smile at the reception center, a 25-year sergeant in the penal system. She shared her experience when an inmate was “out of line.” In her own words, she would say to the inmate: “Let’s go have a smoke and a cup of coffee and tell them sincerely, ‘I’m not here to judge you but my job is to keep you safe.’” Lord, keep all your inmates safe in your hands.
