I Want to Go Home

I want to go home is the prayer of all prisoners who suffer the indignity of confinement. A Sonshine friend has persevered in the hope that his appeal would win back his freedom. However, to the shock of his parents and friends, his appeal was denied.

I wanted to let this young man know that his family and friends cannot even imagine his disappointment and frustration. However, he will never be forgotten and we would never give up the fight to bring him home. So, I decided to take the five-hour trip to the prison near Saranac Lake to offer our support and friendship. Once again, I called upon the hospitality of St. Bernard’s Parish and found Fr. Mark the new pastor to be a generous host. He informed me that a new chaplain has been appointed to the prison and that this young priest would be attending a gathering in the rectory when I arrive.

As I pulled into the rectory parking lot, I received a phone call from our inmate’s mom that he had literally just hung up on his mother. She managed to tell him that a visitor was coming from Rochester to see him and this sent him into a rage in which he told his mother that he never wanted to see anyone and hung up the phone. “I don’t know what to tell you,” this mom cried.

Yes, there are times no words can express our darkness and despair. A justice process that has failed to show him mercy outraged this young man. Despite the diligent efforts of his appeal attorney, he would be confined for many years with no hope of an early release. The reality of this decision was sinking in and he just wanted to be left alone. I’m not turning back I say to this mother and I told myself I will humbly go to visit him in the morning and let God take care of the rest.

That evening, I met our new young chaplain and shared the story of our young inmate. We exchanged contact numbers and told him that this young man is loved very much by his family and friends and would he please bring that message to his cell from us.

At 7am, I am signed-in at the prison’s visitor shelter waiting to be called in for the visit. A bus from New York City pulls in with a dozen women and children who had come to visit their fathers and dads. The visiting room was like a childcare center with babies crying and kids running around the room with their toys. Finally, my number was called and I marched through a series of locked gates. The guards were pleasant and greeted me kindly. I was escorted to a table in the back to wait for our young friend. A few minutes went by and I noticed the guard walking in my directions. His only words, “The inmate has refused to see any visitors.” As I was escorted out the door. I was not shocked or angry, just sad to not be able to tell him that I love him. I heard a guard whisper under his breath to his colleagues that I had come all the way from Rochester.

Someone shared with me over the weekend that I had actually given this young man a wonderful gift. They were aware that prisoners have no rights and must do as they are told everyday throughout their sentence. The only thing they have in their control is the ability to say “No” to a visit. It offered some dignity to the person who has suffered so much indignity. If this was God’s will for me to make this drive to show him that his parents and friends love him then “let it be done according to your will Lord.” I do not understand and neither do his parents why their son must endure such a painful sentence. We struggle to understated why God has allowed this man to suffer this indignity. His parents ask your prayers to give them wisdom on what their next steps should be to help release their son.

As I drove home, I allowed God to speak to my broken heart through nature. I took a series of photos that I hope would offer inspiration and solace to the heaviness I carried home. At this precise moment, I recall these words from the cross: “My God, My God why have you abandoned me.” Even Our Lord had his moments.

With faith that leads to courage, let us pray for one another when we are confronted by an experience that makes no sense. When we feel that our prayers have fallen on deaf ears. When I was taking photos on the way home, I felt that God was trying to help me to heal and ask that you take a deep look into this journey home that became a true healing experience for me. I love this verse that beautifully expresses what God wants us to do in moments of despair.

Jesus watches over us as we reflect: “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back.” (Isaiah 54:7).

Lord, I promise to pray for all my Sunshine Friends who feel abandoned in their trials. May the compassionate hand of God take us by the shoulders and allow our tears to fall so that hope and courage may take hold and bring us back to you.