Learn to Forgive

Becky gives birth to twins three months premature. Her little boy, she names Ryan is only 1.1 pound. Her daughter she will call Natalie is 2.7 pounds. Natalie is holding her own, but the doctors are very concerned about Ryan’s survival. His lungs are not developed and he has a poor prognosis. This mother is bitter and resentment at God for letting this happen to her. She can never forgive God.

Why should I forgive when someone else is in the wrong and this includes God? I recently saw a quote from Pema Chodron that said: “holding a grudge is like eating rat poison and expecting the rat to die.” This message unveils a myth when we get angry about things we have no control. The truth is, there is no personal advantage to holding a grudge–anytime, or for any reason. Why? Because we are the ones who suffer, not the people we’re mad at.

Betsie Ten Boom, who died in a concentration camp, refused to hate the guards who beat her and eventually beat her to death. Her dying words are both simple and profound: "We must tell others what we have learned here. We must tell them that there is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still." That is incredible. The forgiveness of Calvary in the twentieth first century!

Such courage in the face of overt hatred makes our petty differences just that - petty! If people who suffered such atrocies had the "heart" to forgive, then why can't we? I'm sure that I can safely say that there is no one who has not been hurt by others at some point in their lives. A spouse has walked out of our lives. Children have disappointed us. Parents have abused us. Friends have betrayed us. The company to which we gave so much devotion has downsized us without notice, leaving us unemployed and bitter. We have been refused promotion. We have been treated unfairly. There's a host of deep and abiding hurts in the personal histories of most of us. Pain and hurt is part of the human condition. Others hurt us even when they don't realize it, let alone when they intend to do so.

But forgiveness is hard, isn't it? To consciously break the vicious cycle of “revenge and a grudge” is not easy. Some people will say that “they have the right to be angry.” And of course, they would be right, but by forgiving we free up our energy to remain compassionate toward others and at peace within ourselves.

Anybody would find it difficult to put up with the “unfairness” of life. But the point is that we are not just anybody. We are called to be a reconciling community, a community that was born out of Calvary's forgiveness. And why should we forgive? Well, it turns out that forgiveness of others is a condition for our own forgiveness. We must remember that we were commanded to pray to the Father with the words: "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." As Christians, we have to forgive one another. In order to do that, we have to look at the cross and repeat the words that Jesus used to forgive us: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Lord, I pray for all my Sonshine Friends whose memories of past hurts and pain bind them to anger and revenge. May Your desire to forgive our trespasses inspire our efforts to be like leaves that fall along the river that carry away our hatred and refresh our spirit with Your divine compassion and inner peace.

Black Friday Bazaar

It’s 5am and the exit ramp at Hylan Drive is backed-up a mile. Turning into the parking lot, the cars are already parked out to the street. Just inside the front doors of Best Buy one can see the mob cradling boxes of LCD’s, DVD recorders and the newest I-Pod. Once again on Black Friday 2006, the day after Thanksgiving, this store has customer service staff dressed in blue shirts like a battalion of “blue angels” helping the “mob” of desperate shoppers to find a bargain. These angels are slick. With attached earphones, they are busy finding your treasure or directing traffic to check-out. The check-out line resembles a Disney ride at Epcot, One has to follow a series of roped lanes that weave you between rows of vacuum cleaners, washers and dryers and finally up against refrigerator row. Waiting in line, I can’t help to marvel at all the “loot” people are pushing along the floor like their 40 inch LCD TV or crates of CD’s and DVD’s or a shopping cart loaded with a flat panel monitor. While waiting, there is music not Georgian chant but classical rock. Our “blue angels” are busy handing out I-Pods screaming: “Get the newest I-Pod of the season for only 49.95!” In which I overhear a disgruntled buyer tell her friend: “Sucked you in-- did they.” I’m a tad embarrassed since I don’t know anything about I-Pods. Do they do laundry?

It’s interesting to observe the people walking along the crowded aisles with cell phone in one hand and merchandise in the other. At 5:15 in the morning, are they calling their dispatchers at home or an anonymous bidder from Antique Roadshow?

Screaming was heard from the electronics counters, I think its has something to do with limited quantities and everyone at the desk wants “to deal” or get a raincheck or voucher. Getting people to buy more than what’s on their list or the illusion that sale prices only occur once a year on Black Friday at 5am is a myth.

At the check-out, there was a ”blue angel” standing on a platform like air traffic control directing traffic to the next open register. By this time, people were impatient telling clerks that their electronic item was on sale, only to be told by the computer: “not this brand or model or without a voucher.” A frenzy would develop and the “security blue angels” were despatched to break up a riot. Imagine, all this rutting for a Kodak Easy Share or LCD?

It suddenly dawned on me that the real sale folks had missed was not the newest I-Pod you plug in your ear. Rather, this kingdom was filled with empty promises. I saw no ads for any new cures, no lasting happiness, no peace of mind. I wondered after browsing the sales in aisle one, if there were really any bargains. Though as I stood in line with “Home Alone” under my arm, I wondered if I should have bought that DVD video recorder for $89.95.

Lord, I pray for all my Sonshine Friends who brave the endless shopping rituals of the season. Let them realize the real “bargains” are found in the boxes that hold memories we spend with family and friends. Give us the grace to let go of the cravings for more and portions that add on pounds and clutter. Let us nibble more on “good sweets” when we pet our “best friend” or relax with our friends.

Jesus is So Good!

Thanksgiving Mass tends to draw together a core group of the most committed parishioners. If they do not have out of town commitments, they will be at this Mass. However, one person is conspicuously absent this year. Last week she went into the hospital for a knee operation and is at the beginning of a lengthy recuperation process. She is one of the “cleaning ladies’ who helps dust and mop the church during the week.

Karen is a beautiful example of simple gratitude. When I talked to her after the operation, she was in a fair amount of discomfort and pain, but her remark was, "Jesus is so good." It wasn't an offhand comment, but from the depths of her being. In saying, "Jesus is so good," Karen summed up the spirit of Gospel:

"I give you thanks, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for you have hidden these things from the learned and clever and revealed them to the merest children." (Matt 11:25)

What is the difference between the clever--the worldly wise--and children? Clever people are always looking for some novelty whereas little children are delighted by repetition. Once a dad shared this simple experience with his child. He had brought a few toys, but what his little girl liked best was when he took a crumbled piece of paper, placed it on his head, counted to three and let it fall. She would laugh in delight each time it fell. When dad got tired and wanted to do something else, she would pick up the paper and hand it to him to “play it again.”

Children do not get bored by repetition. Nor would we if we re-learned the secret Jesus is talking about. That secret is what enables a child to say, "Do it again."

Our celebration of Thanksgiving Day can help us understand that delight. We look forward to Thanksgiving because certain things are the same--the turkey, the cranberry sauce and so on. But in the context of that sameness we are able to welcome new people or discover something about someone we already know.

The key to all this is that simplicity of heart which Jesus extols. It's that kind of simplicity that enables someone like Karen to say, "Jesus is so good." I don't think we realize what a radical virtue heartfelt thanksgiving really is. The grateful person is thankful for everything one has received - and therefore can open their heart to others.

What we need is a Copernican Revolution in our way of thinking. Copernicus was the Polish astronomer who posited that the sun does not make a circle around the earth, but that the earth revolves around the sun. Our lack of gratitude comes when we think that things revolve around us; we can even view God as one more object out there orbiting us. We need to recognize the truth--that God is the center and everything we have comes from him. When we do that, our stance is simple gratitude. Jesus is so good.

Lord, I promise to pray for all my Sonshine Friends on Thanksgiving Day for their kindness and love. I wish you all a beautiful Thanksgiving day.

Where is God in All this Evil?

I asked my college students: "What is evil?" After the obvious answers like drugs and cancer, a young lady shouted: "papers!" I imagine her professors would respond back: " correcting your papers!" Evil is as devastating as a layoff during the holidays or as hurtful as a seperation, or as senseless as a hit and run on St. Paul Street or another murder in the city.

It seems almost everywhere we are faced with its terrible reality. From where we stand it seems to be the end of the world. We feel scared, unsafe, on edge in an unpredictable world. We no longer feel secure from terrorists, family betrayals, or sudden, unexpected violence as we keep looking over our shoulders. We silently ask the question: “Where is God in all this evil?” We come to church or worse stopped coming to church because we had hoped to catch an answer and if there isn’t, we want to know “Where do we go from here?”

There is no simple answer to questions of God’s presence where evil so brazenly stalks us. However, I believe God unleashes a power to redeem what evil has spoiled. But here’s the catch, God has chosen to exercise this power through the most unlikely of creatures, that is, flawed human beings. Because of this tactic, it may sometimes appear as if God is losing the battle.

Everyday there are people who show us the way God is present in an evil world. It has always been this way but “rarely reported by the media.” The truth is that in this world of spectacular evil, God’s presence is silently here, only it’s unspectacular.

God’s daily presence are the volunteers who serve a Thanksgiving meal to the homeless, or a nurse at your bedside, or a family caregiver taking care of their parent with Alzheimer’s or a hug to our step-child. I told our college students that during their Thanksgiving break the "good" they can perform might be an offer to help with the dishes or play with their brothers and sisters or tell their parents that they missed them and thank them for all the care packages.

When you get a sense of being overwhelmed by so much evil, remember that like so many hobbits, there are countless, nameless people tunneling under the landside of evil. One day, they will break through. For in times of evil, the answer to the question “Where is God?” Softly, quietly, faithfully, your life, your deeds give the answer: “Here I am.”

Pray and reflect: ” My plans for you are peace and not disaster. When you call to me, I will listen to you and I will bring you home.”

Lord, I pray for all my Sonshine Friends who have suffered evil in its many forms. Stay with us with your love and kindness. Stay with us when comes the night of affliction and fear, the night of doubt and temptation, the night of painful death. Stay with us and all who are yours in time and in eternity.

Reflections of Love

Earlier this autumn, Maria and Sandro asked me if I would preside at their wedding, I wondered what could a celibate priest possibly say to them or their many friends who struggle with making a life long promise. Sadly, the most difficult part of my counseling day is listening to a litany of hurt and pain caused by broken promises. 40% of marriages result in separation and divorce only create a emptiness that takes years to heal. So let me adjust your focus on this sacrament and get down to eye level and share what married folk probably already know whether you been married one or fifty years.

I have an idea what a good marriage means and it has nothing to do with the number of cars in your driveway, the neighborhood you live in and the length and breath of your plasma TV. Let’s get real, your expectations of marriage were false to start out with. You only thought you knew everything about the person you married. Just like my camera, I’m still learning what all the bells and whistles are all about and when I switch to digital the learning will continue.

In thirty years of counseling couples, they have taught me a most profound truth about family and failure and promises. When a promise is broken, the promise still remains. In one way or another, we are all unfaithful to each other. We do break our most solemn promises, and sometimes we break them when we don't even realize it. I believe that a spouse can look at the long years of their marriage with gratitude, and hope for many more, only when one accepts their failures.

There have been times when a partner gets so angry or so hurt that we think our love will never recover. And then, in the midst of near despair, something happens beneath the surface. A bright little flash of hope and the water is bright and suddenly we are returned to a state of love again--till next time.

When I get angry with a shot that was blurred, it most likely means I should have used a tripod to hold the camera steady. In marriage, one learns that there will be a next time if we remember that in times of darkness we won't stay submerged. And each time something has been learned under the waters; when we acted foolish something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown. The best we can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures will continue to grow. We can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed.

Lord, I pray for all my Sonshine Friends that they remember their vows and know their broken promises can lead them to a deeper blessing. May we reflect a faith that rejoices in the healing we find in our frailties and failures.